The naming of spouses is a difficult matter/It isn’t just one of your holiday games
I read something a few days ago that stuck in my mind. I don’t remember where I read it (other than online), but it went something like this:
“Young feminists striking back at the patriarchy by keeping their father’s names . . . ”
Except it was snarkier.
It annoyed me. I refuse to get into the “am I a feminist?” debate, mostly because I feel the argument is too slippery, too lacking a definition of feminism. But if/when I get married, I will keep my father’s last name. I have always intended to, except for a brief period after my father decided to share with people a horrible nickname based on it and it was used. At that point, I had decided to change my name (legally) to my mother’s maiden name. But since I was 12, we can ignore it, except for the part that shows I didn’t ever expect to change my name when I got married.
And why should I? Yes, it’s my father’s name. It’s also mine. I’ve had it for my whole life. Now I even have the beginnings of a professional reputation under it — presentations, publications. Will this pose problems with children later? Perhaps — but probably not, given how many more people aren’t changing their names now.
I once dated someone who had thought it obvious that a woman would change her name. After all, you want to show you’re a family. And there is something to that, at least for me. But I want to keep my name — and, unsurprisingly, so did R.[1] I wouldn’t change my name, but I also wouldn’t ask my husband to change his.[2] It irritates me when people work it the other way: I won’t change my name, but I want to have the same name as my wife, so you change yours.[3],[4]
[1] After I asked him this, he changed his mind about the whole thing — he’d still prefer to have a family where they share a last name, but if his wife wasn’t interested in changing her name, he wouldn’t argue. Or so he said, and I believe him: he was always quite reasonable about things like that.
[2] I’m more compromising on the part where I get married, and Mr. Smith and Ms. Jones end up as Mr. & Ms. Jith. I would be very offended to receive an invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Smith (or even Jith), whatever [some but not all] etiquette mavens say.
[3] Since I’ve never seen it go the other way, I’ll put in the sexes here.
[4] Note that I’m not anti-people-changing-their-names. I’m anti-being-expected-to-change-my-name, and it’s just annoying when the reason people do it is misrepresented so offensively.
August 28th, 2003 at 12:00 am
BODY:
At one time, I considered hyphenating. I can’t really remember why I decided not to, although I don’t regret it because I identify more now with my married name then who I ever was as a youth and that is of course, what a name is about: identity. But I know many professional women who retained their maiden name, particularly if they married after their careers flourished and a history and reputation was established under that original name.