Fear
Tomorrow, I am going to speak to the graduate advisor and tell him I intend to leave. (Partly this is so that he can find himself TAs for next year, since I was expected to be one. I debated about this, but in the end, I want to have the damn thing out, and not keep up the pretense. I’m tired.)
This scares me, though I am not sure why. I just keep reminding myself that he does not know me well, so whatever he thinks, the people who *do* know me (as a linguist) think that (a) this is the right thing for me and (b) it’s a loss to the field.
The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t grant me my MA, and he somehow gets the school to stop giving me my stipend for the rest of the year. Unlikely, but both are live-through-able. Livable-through? Whatever. Oh, and that everyone there refuses to give me a recommendation, but I have people here who would, with an explanation of why I’m not getting any from my more recent school, and I have people I’ve worked for who would also write some.
Then I suppose I can tell my cohort, the rest of the students, and the faculty. Who will of course know almost immediately. Still. I don’t know how they’ll respond. I don’t know how I would, if I heard this of someone in my program. Surprise, perhaps, though it’s really to be expected. Not, maybe, just over a month before the end of the second year, but eventually.
I’m not sure when I’ll tell people, though. I’m scared of this whole step. And ashamed, too. I keep feeling shame and sadness and fear, about something I know is the right move. I still wish it weren’t.
I’m lucky that I’ve had unwavering support on this from my parents, my friends, and my advisors. I can barely imagine how much *more* difficult it would be if I had not.
It’s sad that I doubt I will ever speak to anyone I met in grad school again, with the possible exception of the two people who’ve given me advice.
I rather hope they’ll believe I’m leaving as a choice, and not as a necessity, but I suppose it won’t matter in a few months.
March 23rd, 2004 at 11:28 am
Boy, I remember this stage. Not with fondness. You’re doing much better than I did.
You will find, I suspect, a stunning *lack* of response to your announcement. I doubt much if any sympathy or regret will be expressed. Gird yourself for disapproval, but there really shouldn’t be much — most people just won’t *care*.
You will, however, get your MA. Pettiness only goes so far.
My thoughts are with you.