Conflicted
I spoke to a friend who had also left the program. It was — he seems a lot less conflicted about leaving than I am.
Now, he left a year ago, and I’m still disentangling. So I am still reconciling to the loss of a dream. Because this is certainly what it is. I am a good linguist, and I’m a good teacher. And I think I’d've been a kick-ass professor. (I’ll say something different in a paragraph or two, though. I can only hold up a feeling of actual competency for very brief periods.) But the dream was going to cost too much, with too little of a chance of coming true at the end.
And I know that, but it’s still a hard thing, and a sad thing, and something I don’t feel happy about. (I am happier, and relieved. But not happy about it.)
Although my family never pushed me into academia, they mostly all figured I would go there, because I am well-suited for it. Professors in various disciplines — high school teachers — all suggested it, implicitly or explicitly. My family supports my leaving, and as I said, the professors I had at Canada U all supported me as well. My friends do, too.
If I look at any of the external measures, I am good at linguistics. But I never felt that way, except for brief moments. I felt like a fraud. In all measures of my life — school was neither the first nor the worst — but still. I didn’t get any faculty here trying to be destructive; I also had no one being particularly supportive. My fault? Theirs? Perhaps no one’s.
The feeling like a fraud has been mentioned before, and will no doubt be mentioned again. But this friend of mine, who also left linguistics, *doesn’t* feel like one. He can say, for more than 12 seconds at a time, that he feels like he was a good linguist, who could have added to the field. I can barely hear it when I am told it.
I sent an email to my cohort. I am not sure what response I will get from them — if, indeed, any, before I see them next. I spoke to one person (on messenger), who mostly tried to convince me to stay. And I wanted to, a bit, because I love linguistics, I love what I study, and I will miss it. I do not know how good an occasional linguist I would be. I suspect not very.
Part of the wanting to is because, having decided not to, my mental health has taken a decided turn for the better. Less passively suicidal! Looking forward to things! Enjoying the field again!
What is wrong, when the only way I can enjoy what I do is to leave it?
March 25th, 2004 at 11:19 pm
Whatever’s wrong, it’s not wrong with you.
I’ll keep saying what I’ve said already: you’re doing the right thing, and you’re going to come out of it okay.
March 26th, 2004 at 6:04 am
I know, without any really major doubts, that I am doing the right thing. And I know that whether or not it’s the right thing, I will come out of it just fine.
With distance, or at least with the MA in my grubby little fingers, I will probably be more able to see the myriad of institutionalised problems that led to my decision.
Again, though, thank you for the support. It means a great deal.
March 26th, 2004 at 6:36 pm
What Dorothea said. Heck, you know what I went through! I do know that at this point, much of what I, and others, say to you will sound like “mumble mumble mumble” while you think “yeah, right.” There’s me in a nutshell. But hang on. Although I’m now in a pretty boring, no-future job, I’m no longer freaking out about it. I get enough sleep. I can have hobbies. I can pay my bills (well, most of them).
Short version: you will get through it! :)
March 30th, 2004 at 11:55 am
The fraud feeling is endemic to graduate school and to academia more generally. But it gets particularly strong as you’re getting out. I don’t know yet if it goes away, but I do feel now like it’s less important whether I’m the world’s greatest reader of Lady Mary Wroth.
You’ve put your finger on something I’ve been noticing as well: going the Ph.D. route can kill off your enjoyment of your subject. The good news is that you don’t have to leave your intellectual interests behind when you leave the program behind. And I think your better emotional state is a very good sign that you’ve made the right decision.
And, yes, what Dorothea said: it’s not wrong with you.