Emails
I have told the general advisor I am leaving.
I did not tell the person I am mostly working with. Why? I don’t know. Fear, probably.
I get back to this email:
Hi. I was disappointed to hear from [advisor] that you have decided to leave with a terminal masters. I have always considered you a very promising student. You are not required to explain anything to me, but I am curious as to why you have made this decision. Also, I am supposed to arrange with you some sort of termination of your generals paper effort. I do have your earlier draft, which with a few revisions will do under these circumstances. However this is to end and for whatever reason you are leaving, please let me know what is to become of you.
Ohh. Guilt.
I feel worse about leaving, like it’s a bigger mistake. I keep wondering if it isn’t a mistake. I want to do linguistics! I just . . . want other things also. More. And I can’t seem to have both. I know myself; I will not be an occasional linguist. Oh, perhaps I’ll *intend* to. But days weeks months will pass, and it will all be buried.
I wrote back:
Hi [advisor],
I meant to tell you, but I wasn’t sure how to approach you. I’m leaving for a combination of reasons, but the primary one is the lack of a job market. I just don’t want to go around for a few years in one-year jobs in the hopes that eventually I will find a tenure-track position and be able to settle down. And if I’m not aiming for academia, why am I getting a PhD? (The answer, as it turns out, is that I’m not.)
I’ve been very conflicted about this whole thing, though I really feel I’m making the right choice for me. I’m regretful, too, because I love linguistics, and I love doing linguistics, but I don’t feel I can become a linguist without making sacrifices that I would regret even more.
I have a job at a company in [Canada City] — they do natural language processing and machine learning stuff — which will keep me until December at least; I also plan to get some programming experience (there are some good 1 year programs at schools in [Canada City]) and then, hopefully, get a full-time job as some version of a computational linguist.
Let me know when you have time to meet (Fridays aren’t so good for me). I would like to figure out what I can do to finish my paper and get an MA. I will be in Europe at the end of the month for a conference.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. Everything seems like a bad choice.
March 31st, 2004 at 8:12 am
Wow. I’m impressed that this person troubled to ask. That’s great for you! This means you have a job reference and perhaps a mentor, since you’re staying under the larger linguistics umbrella. MAKE SURE you keep this person’s contact info, and before you leave, ask to use him/her for job references.
(What a cool temp job, btw! I am jealous.)
It’s a risk, but for this person I think it justified — point him/her at this blog. Or if you’re scared — use mine. The insiders NEED to understand, or they’ll keep losing promising people.
March 31st, 2004 at 3:33 pm
I have to admit that from a distant perspective I can’t see the problem. You don’t like the place and the circumstances in which you are living and have no ambition to stay on the career path you were on. And so you are leaving to do something else. How could you decide to do anything else?
And yet I do understand your dilemma, because I went through the same agonizing when I was deciding whether to stay or go. It’s hard, and having an advisor you respect makes it harder. But remember that it’s your life. You don’t owe your advisor and program three to five more years of your life just because they threw a little time and money and affirmation your way. If they are really concerned about you, as they appear to be, then they’ll respect your decision whatever it is, as it appears that they do.
Besides, you can always take up graduate studies down the line if you truly feel a need for more scholarship. And if you go back you will be better off for the time away.
Good luck.
March 31st, 2004 at 5:16 pm
Man, I remember that time of agonizing (hell, I’m going through a recurrence) about one’s decision. I think you’ve made the right decision _for YOU_. Now, there may be other decisions you could have made, that would have been okay, but this one seems like it’ll bring more happiness and require less jury-rigging than the others.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that while the second-guessing is normal, you’ve made a good choice and shouldn’t feel bad/guilty about going with it. As Jay notes, you can always try it again after living with your decision for a while. But do see what life on the other side is like, first. :)
December 19th, 2004 at 3:08 pm
O, holy shit. I didn’t read your blog till recently, and now I see that my recent posts have pretty much covered this exact ground.