Illness
Last week, my grandmother’s back hurt. She went to the hospital, where they said things were fine and sent her home. Two days later, she was in even more pain. My mother brought her to the hospital; she had pneumonia and there was an abcess and other fairly gross stuff, and they haid to drain the fluid out from wherever it had leaked to. (We’re not sure how they didn’t notice the pneumonia and stuff the first time she saw the doctor.) After that, it was still no better, and she had surgery two days ago. The first day she seemed fine. Now — she’s just not getting better. Her heart’s beating too fast . . . probably other things I don’t know about.
My mother just went off to visit her. My father’s been going once or twice or three times a day. My mother today told me I should probably visit her soon. My father said the doctor says my grandmother is very sick — she was already not particularly well (diabetic), she’s old, and it’s a severe form of pneumonia. My father has interpreted this as the cat’s on the roof; I’m not sure how true this is.
I’m going to visit her this evening. I’ve only gone once. I’ve been bad (though it only started looking bad late yesterday or, really, today, she’s still been in hospital for quite a while).
I feel guilty about this. I feel guilty abotu the fact that we’re estranged — yes, it was entirely their fault when they stopped seeing us much (from twice a month to twice a year) when I was about 11, but I’m not 11, and I don’t much enjoy spending time with them (as opposed to my maternal grandparents) and I never bothered to change things. I feel guilty that I don’t particularly like them, or think of them often. (Though since she’s been sick I have been asking regularly after her.) I don’t dislike my grandparents, they’re just not a big part of my life.
I feel like I should care more about this, or be more worried than I am, or something, somehow.
June 16th, 2004 at 4:11 pm
Hoo, that’s rough. I think it’s good that you’re being honest with yourself — while one doesn’t want to think _ill_ of an elderly woman in pain, it can be hard to muster the sort of feelings people seem to expect regarding a grandparent if the woman in question didn’t _act_ much like a grandmother while well.
It might help to remind yourself, as often as you need to, that they were the ones who chose not to be a significant part of your life. Relationships are a two-way street, and they turned it into a one-way. Expecting you to go against traffic isn’t fair. And her being sick now doesn’t change this.
That said, when you _can_ go see her, I would. At the least, it will spare you regretting later that you didn’t. At the best, maybe the relationship can be mended, just a little, at the end.
June 16th, 2004 at 7:49 pm
I agree with Rana. Although they were in the wrong, any effort you make now to do the right thing–i.e. go see her–is something you’ll be happy you did.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
June 16th, 2004 at 10:16 pm
I very much agree with Rana and I think being honest with how you feel about it is best.
I have never been very good with dying people so I don’t feel comfortable advising you to visit if you can. I loved Brit’s father and it was very painful for me to visit him in the hospital when he was obviously close to death so I imagine it may be even more difficult to force yourself to go for someone that you don’t even feel close to. Just do what you feel and you’ll be safe enough. A great many people have died in my life and I can honestly say that with one exception, there’s nothing I lament regularly and wish I’d done, etc., and the one exception could not be helped.
June 17th, 2004 at 12:26 am
I visited her tonight. She seems far better than my father made it sound, but then I think I expected someone a few minutes from death. I have no idea how ill she is, but pneumonia is really not good when you’re 80, and especially if it’s not responding to antibiotics. I’ll find out.
I’d also like to make it clearer that my grandparents are not bad people. I do love them, if in a somewhat distracted way. And for the past several years — since we knew I’d be moving away — they have tried to repair the relationship; I was the one who wasn’t interested. I started feeling particularly guilty when they gave me money every time I saw them. I know they were bribing me (it wasn’t working, I saw them no more than I would have anyhow), and it was just . . . I wished it had been different. They’re immigrants — they were Jews in Germany and Austria in the 30s — and they very obviously love me and are proud of me and . . .
I don’t know. I still don’t much like them. I have a lot of experience in loving people I don’t like, or even dislike.
I have felt vaguely guilty about this periodically. My grandmother’s being sick made it worse, but it’s not new.