Aw, shit
I had a long post written, and then I accidentally hit the fucking quicktags button, and now it’s all gone.
Grumble. Grumble. It was too grueling to rewrite at the moment. Instead I will explain to everyone why I am annoyed with my grandparents (something I brought up, tangentially). Just get it out!
My mother is the middle child; she has an older brother in Toronto and a younger sister in Montreal. We’re now going to ignore the brother, because he’s irrelevant to the story. Which is why it’s a good thing I brought him up.
My aunt has three children: her older son is disabled and lives in a group home, her younger son is going into his last year in high school, and her daughter, the youngest, her first year (grade 11 and 7, respectively, here). My cousin is one year older than my youngest sister.
My grandparents have, for my entire life, seen us every single Friday night. They stop by our house occasionally (less often, recently, but it used to be daily). We all vacation together in Maine (though until the past two years, not in the same house). We see a lot of each other, so they’ve seen us at our worst.
My cousins do not go to the Friday night dinners. They do not go to Maine. My grandparents are not often invited to their cottage on the lake.
They think very highly of the middle cousin (whom I also think highly of — he’s absolutely great). But my littlest cousin? They think she is an angel sent down from heaven to honour our family. She can do no wrong.
She’s not a bad kid. She always gets her way, and she’s a very good liar (unlike my sister), but she’s really not bad. My sister isn’t bad, either. She has a terrible mouth, and she lies (terribly), but she’s surprisingly quite honest. Still, my grandparents think my sister is terrible. (This is why I do not like my cousin as much. It’s a bit of protectiveness, because she is so clearly favoured by my grandparents. It’s not her fault, but there we go.)
My grandparents think highly of my cousins. But then, my other grandparents, who see us only a couple of times a year, think as highly of my sisters. Distance does that.
While in Hawaii, my little sister and father went somewhere. As they were leaving the store, some woman started chatting my father up. He had no idea what was happening and just talked to her until my sister said “Come on, dad, we have to go, MOM is waiting for us in the car, MOM will be mad if we take too much longer.” My parents and I all thought it was funny. My grandparents were horrified. How could you let her see such a thing? Say such a thing?
We didn’t get what the problem was.
Fastforward to a few nights ago, at my aunt’s house. They just returned from Australia, where they bought a digeridoo. My uncle tried to play it (but failed). My angelic little cousin made a remark along the lines of “Dad already has another digeridoo”. Now, by any normal standards her comment is worse than my sister’s. But my grandparents just laughed.
You see, it’s not okay for my sister to notice that a woman is trying to pick up her father, but it is okay for my cousin to make a joke about her father’s penis! I get it now.
Sigh.
I still don’t feel any better. I feel worse, almost, for being upset with them.
August 30th, 2004 at 10:21 am
My father’s side of the family get absurdly upset when my sister doesn’t address envelopes properly. I really don’t understand it. My granny once got really mad when my sister wrote ‘Granny, 16 Street road, Townsville, Somewhere’ on an envelope instead of her formal name. I thought it was cute. Our elders and betters are as human as the rest of us and they’re also working through the cultural barrier of modern times. Not a consolation but there you go.
August 30th, 2004 at 10:36 am
You know, I could deal with it if they just had trouble adjusting to different times. And maybe if the favouritism were in my family’s favour it would be easier. But it’s not that they dislike sex on tv (which they do, and swearing), it’s that they utterly reject things in my sister as wrong and bad that they think are cute and funny in my cousin. And that they don’t take into account what distance can do.
August 30th, 2004 at 6:15 pm
Sounds like not even just the typical favoritism, but the habitually knocking down of your sister for her errors, to boot. And it’s always so disturbing when people we love do these things. Easier to dismiss and/or tolerate out of someone that you can just say, Well, he’s a jackass.
August 30th, 2004 at 7:13 pm
It’s a little of both — there is absolutely favouritism, as well as some sort of dislike for my sister. Both of them. My aunt dislikes them both, too; I have often wondered how much of a role their being adopted plays in this.
But you’ve got it right, because it’s hard because I do love my grandparents, but I hate this about them.
August 31st, 2004 at 1:23 am
The adoption status flitted across my mind while reading but I didn’t think it would be polite to ask.
I don’t know if you know this, but I was adopted by my mother’s second husband when a baby and my status in my paternal grandparents’ house was elevated ridiculously since my natural father had died young and they never got over it. It was clear even to me while very young that many of my relatives resented me for it and to this day, I don’t understand what my grandmother was thinking. But she later sold my own land out from under me so who can account for people’s actions.
August 31st, 2004 at 9:48 am
No, I don’t mind asking. I don’t know if it’s true; I do think if it is, it’s unconscious.
I did know you were adopted by your mother’s husband, but not that you were extra-loved (as it were) by your grandparents. Maybe they just weren’t thinking or noticing? I don’t know if you can help but notice, but maybe they thought iti wasn’t obvious. Or something.
Sold your own land? Dare I ask?