Idling
I have a severe case of apathy.
Oh, my head is full of things, but they come out stillborn, or badly written. (Alas, usually the latter. My standards here and in other comments might be *low*, but they exist.)
I’m deliberately ignoring any posts about the US election now. I don’t think any result’s going to be a good one. Luckily (oddly) the paper here is doing “10 best hockey moments ever” (actually, it might just be the Habs. Or maybe not, I’m not paying enough attention even to that), so that’s my news: when Patrick Roy was great, or Rocket Richard, or whatever.
I’m watching the new TV shows. I watched the one where the plane crashed; I watch Law & Order; I watch Gilmore Girls. I’m reading, but my pile is of books-which-are-probably-good-and-definitely-serious: I need to go back to the library and get books-of-stupidity.
I read blogs and look at posts I have things to say to and just ignore them, because I can’t get the thought coherent enough. I feel stupid.
Nothing’s happening. This is me, of course; I could make things happen, I guess. I avoided a friend tonight for television. I’m delayed in returning another friend’s call. I don’t want to be in touch with them. Oh, I know that avoiding friends is not a good thing; I know that this is most likely to help me get depressed. And yet I can’t force myself to want to see people. I should try coffee, or something, but this weekend’s so busy, and — maybe next week.
I feel that I’m not doing what I want to be doing; I went through all that shit to be frustrated and unhappy in Montreal instead. This isn’t fair, quite, but it’s certainly not unfair.
I think I need to set aside time every week for art. This would be a good first step. I have — amazingly — still not bothered to get the kiln I so carefully researched, and which I have drawn up projects for. That’s pitiful. I won’t discuss my other projects in progress that are stalled and waiting.
I need to force myself to do things. It’s something I’m not good at. Things I like, even; things I want to do, but not enough. Instead I sleep, poorly; I read, fretfully; I sit and refresh the hold page on my library patron record, hoping maybe one of the books will have been returned. (Not, for instance, the book I am patron number 122 (7 copies, 3 weeks each, let’s not do the math) to request, but the ones where I am next in line.)
I can say I need to force myself out. But I’m not actually doing it, and I can’t quite figure out why I no longer give a shit about anything.
September 23rd, 2004 at 11:33 am
How long have you felt this way? It is a stage or approaching a way of being, I guess is what I mean.
I like the idea of setting aside time for art. With so much of our daily routine, it’s the small matter of beginning which often is the slowest step to take, but once it is begun, it is easier to incorporate it into the routine. If you do keep a calendar, perhaps you should literally pencil it in and try to do one or two activities your avoiding, just by rote, and see if that helps.
I’ll throw in my own bone of contribution to your pile — I was impressed that your library has an image of the book jacket online. How pathetic is that?
September 23rd, 2004 at 11:34 am
ps I realize that was all rather elementary advice and no doubt, you’ve thought of all that on your own — I just wanted to respond so you’d know I read it and thought about you, and unlike you, have no compunction about leaving a rather pointless comment trail behind me. ;)
September 23rd, 2004 at 11:35 am
and it’s “you’re” dammit, Michelle. I knew that. I’m getting worse, must be the brain going — I noticed the other day that I typed “do” for “due.” Sigh.
September 23rd, 2004 at 3:06 pm
Boy do I know what you’re talking about. The only comfort I can offer is that those moods do eventually go away, either because you break out of the slump or you realize that some aspects of the slump are okay rather than indications of some sort of psychic failure.
Michelle’s advice is good.
Michelle — I don’t think you’re pathetic to be impressed by that — I think it’s that your library is pathetic. *wink* (Because ours has pictures too, heh heh.)
wolfangel — why’s the book so much in demand? I haven’t heard anything about it. (As if I need more things to read!)
Rana
September 23rd, 2004 at 6:08 pm
Michelle’s advice is great. If I could make myself take it, it would be even greater. I think I’m going to schedule Saturday as art day, while my bread is rising. I am working out a bead-making class, too. There have been some issues with the dates, but I think it’s that the website is mistaken. Which means I may be able to take it with a friend.
It’s hard not to read all this as “I suck”, though.
The book got all sorts of wonderful reviews. I think it’s longlisted for the Booker Prize. (Yes, and also shortlisted.) It looked good in the bookstore, anyhow. And I rather like my library’s online catalogue, except that when you click on the author’s name, you get a list of authors in order, instead of just going to all the books by that author. Well, and other issues, but my other libraries had incredibly terrible interfaces, so I’m happy with this.
btw, Rana, you should be able to leave your name/URI in the comment field now, because it shouldn’t save them if you don’t want it to.
September 24th, 2004 at 8:24 pm
Hey, cool!
And you don’t suck. You’re just a person living in a society and culture that tells us all that any unscheduled time is being wasted, even when the activity that is being avoided is supposed to be fun. (It’s worse then, actually, because then no one has any sympathy.)