Just thinking
It’s so easy to be sensible about someone else’s choices. It’s so easy to suggest a friend see a doctor, or take drugs[1]: money, after all, is just to be used for living life, and it’s not so easy to live life when you’re depressed.
And yet: I am not entirely sure if I am or not. I think I am, but I can remember being so much worse — and, also, so much better. What is normal? Oh, I know it’s not normal to think about jumping onto the highway. Or is it? I don’t really *want* to, I just think about it, briefly. I do not ever think about jumping onto the metro tracks, though now that I’ve mentioned it, I probably will, just because my brain is perverse like that. So that’s a big mark in the “depressed” column.
But I am looking forward to things. This, to me, is proof that I cannot be depressed, because when I am depressed, I am not looking forward anything at all, ever.
I’m not really sure where I am going with this, mostly because I doubt there is anywhere to go.
[1] Which, as I’ve mentioned a zillion times, make me sicker, so they’re not useful for me in any case.
July 27th, 2005 at 12:10 am
Someone posted an entry recently on the misconstruing of the adjective “depressed.” I’m not suggesting you aren’t. (I’d put the throwing oneself over in the road in that column, too, but then again, I’ve also thought that lately, so whadda I know?) But it got me to thinking about various other ways to describe how I felt and sometimes those deeper reflections about other ways to describe how I felt were slightly (Ok, a hairline like) illuminating as to the real problem.
July 27th, 2005 at 12:11 am
Well, I know I am. Again? Still? And it really fucking sucks.
July 27th, 2005 at 2:48 pm
Depression can cover a large range. And I do know the difference between being depressed and feeling blue. I’m not sure where I am on this line, but — well, it’s very fuzzy a continuum. I wonder if I keep too much out of depression, hopign to be able to say I’m not, or push too much into it.
All I can say here is that I’ve certainly been unhappier, in memory. Except I don’t think I’m unhappy at all, really, it’s not the right term in any way. Mostly it’s very labile, or perhaps I am.
Dr. B, I am sorry to hear it. It does, absolutely, suck.
July 27th, 2005 at 3:54 pm
What do you mean, “keep too much out of depression, hopign to be able to say I’m not, or push too much into it.” ?
I don’t suppose it really matters what you call it if you feel badly and feel at the mercy of the emotions. Maybe talking to someone would help; you don’t have to be clinically depressed to need that.
July 27th, 2005 at 5:09 pm
Sorry, I was unclear. I am unsure if I am trying to define however I feel out of depression or into depression. As if the definitions matter so much. Though in a way they do: words are still so powerful. But in the end, I feel how I feel, only I’m not sure how I feel.
Yeah, me and therapy do not click. I mean, maybe this would be the one time I would finally go in and talk about things but — unlikely. I am very bad at talking — much, much better at writing.
July 27th, 2005 at 5:35 pm
Ah, yes. Avoiding or convincing. I thought that was what you meant but didn’t want to assume.
The writing process in the cognitive therapy exercise book helped crystalize my thoughts for that very reason. I don’t have any problem talking but in talking, I do tend to say so much that it’s often difficult to pick out the one issue and when talking to someone else, it’s easy for them to misunderstand what the one issue is that needs to be zeroed in on, then I get sidetracked, and it sometimes takes longer to get to the nut of things. Using that workbook and writing about things (and for me, if you recall, it was anxiety attacks) helped me to understand what was happening.
I tend to have spurts of blueness these days, not the feeling that I also characterized as if a black hole were inside of me, that was present for weeks or months. Those days sucked.
July 28th, 2005 at 12:31 pm
Oh, assume away, I don’t mind correcting. Or don’t assume, whichever you’d prefer.
Maybe an exercise book would be right(er) for me. I can be better at figuring things out in writing, though I also get sidetracked there.
No, I am not feeling the black hole sort of feeling. That is by far the worst.
July 28th, 2005 at 5:44 pm
Yeah, memories of that black hole feeling make me shudder. Shiver. Ugh.