Anxiety
I have this free-floating anxiety. I’m not entirely sure what it is. Part of it is the job security I feel I lack: I just bought a place! What if I lose my job and can’t find another and . . . blah blah dull. But not because it has been making me worried. I’m not sure why. I still have some savings, I have family who could help for a while, I could always sell . . . and yet and yet.
But the anxiety is more than that, only I am not sure where else it is, what it is about. It’s at night mostly, before I fall asleep, or while I cannot because I am too worried. It is not constant, but when I notice I’m *not* anxious, of course there it comes again, ruining the moment.
I still blame this on Prozac, which made me so anxious I cannot describe it.
The worst thing, though, is how I am avoiding figuring out why I am so anxious, or where the anxiety rests. Usually it’s easy to do: think about thing x and y and z, one after the next, see which one makes my breathing seize up. Right now I am unable to make myself do so and I cannot say why. Am I avoiding something, or is there no reason at all, just depression squeaking out in a different form?
Obviously I refuse to think about this puzzle enough to come up with an answer.
December 30th, 2005 at 12:09 am
I’m experiencing a *lot* of anxiety right now. Most of it is driving-related. Also possibly because I have a lot of time on my hands between semesters. I’m not trying to figure it out much even though I know I should, but I know it’s interim-related and will go away. (Except for the driving part; I don’t know when that’ll go away. I can see how people become agoraphobic.)
December 30th, 2005 at 12:56 am
Wow, you have no idea how much this resonates with me. The sad thing is that after reading your account of your anxiety I realized that I have just gotten better at coping with it. I don’t sleep without Ambien and my heart is regularly beating rapidly. I have this constant feeling of being “on” or overstimulated. What if it is because of the blogging? :) Hahaha.
I keep telling myself that I should go to yoga. I think anything that gets my brain to turn off and my body to start breathing and destressing would be good. But, alas, I don’t do it.
Good luck!
December 30th, 2005 at 10:41 am
If you know it’s temporary, there’s no real need to figure it out, I think. And I suspect — but am not sure — that the driving part will go away as you keep driving and nothing else happens. I hope so, anyho
I don’t need the Ambien, thankfully — and somehow I am still sleeping, almost enough. There are times when I try alcohol to get to sleep, or anything that might distract me from thinking. Maybe yoga would be good, but see above about money anxiety. (Absurd? Yes.)
I guess I’m better at just ignoring it than I used to be, but it’s so unpleasant. I’m on vacation! I’m on the beach! Why is there still this grinding anxiety?
It had better not be because of blogging. It is too enjoyable
December 30th, 2005 at 1:26 pm
oh yeah, i get the money axiety stuff too. That is partly why I don’t go to yoga. I would need to pay to go, cuz there ain’t no way I am doing it on my own.
I am no good at vacations. I am on one too and still ruminating. I need a “How To Vacation” class too. :)
December 30th, 2005 at 9:25 pm
I’m an Ambien junkie, too!
I wonder if you are experiencing what I did after buying my condo. Home ownership, for me, represented *real* adulthood, I think. It was like, “Holy shit! I have real adult responsibilities now!” Somehow, when you are just renting or living with parents, it doesn’t feel like the real thing; home ownership marks a very significant stage in one’s life, and is thus very anxiety-producing.
Just a thought.
December 30th, 2005 at 11:32 pm
I am usually good at vacation. This time — I don’t know why. And yoga in particular is incredibly expensive.
Pi, that’s sort of disturbing. How long did the anxiety last for you? It ends, right? It can get me into a bad feedback loop.
December 31st, 2005 at 12:31 am
I hope the driving thing goes away, too. It’s been worse lately, and I chalk it up to driving at busy times amidst holiday traffic, and hope that when I go back to my routine it will get better, or at least not worse.
Pi made a good point. Why didn’t I think of that? It is a huge step, and aren’t all marked changes in life, regardless of the pleasure or glory, also fraught with a bit of worry?
December 31st, 2005 at 3:50 pm
I think it was gone after a few months. Of course, it wasn’t intense for months, just a niggling, anxious thought in the back of my mind.
Michelle, your driving anxiety is perfectly understandable considering what you went through. And I think the holiday traffic can get to just about anyone. I bet it will subside after the holidays and when the semester starts (and you have other things to worry about, like students! and piles of papers!)