Etiquette poll!
A family friend’s son had a very small wedding (20 people? 10?), to which my parents were not invited. They sent a gift.
Their daughter had a not-small wedding, to which my parents were also not invited. They did not send a gift.
Appropriate or not?
More facts, which should heavily weight people on the side of totally appropriate to not send a gift:
- the family friends (ie, the parents of the bride) paid for the wedding;
- my parents were initially on the list, the family friends complained when they were removed;
- they were taken off along with a single other couple (4 people), because it was “too many people” otherwise.
Sometimes I am relieved I have no plans to marry, because it would be way too confusing. On the other hand, I think my parents would murder me if I tried any stunt like that.
July 24th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
I’ve seen some venues where you’re not allowed to go over 10, 15, 20 people, and they’re strict about it - 4 people might’ve really put them over the line.
Who paid for the wedding, and whatever machinations led up to the final invitation list, really shouldn’t be factors in one’s decision to send or not send a gift. Disparate treatment of siblings (unless there’s some reason they’re closer to the son) is totally weird, though. You didn’t say which wedding was first, but I’m'a go with “binding precedent” on this one.
July 24th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
They’re not close to either child. They were invited to the son’s celebration (of some sort — I forget the details, it was some kind of party a few weeks later). The venue had no space restrictions; the party was big, a few hundred people. You can argue precendent, sure, but I will argue that when you’re not invited to a wedding, unless there is some compelling reason for that uninvitation there’s no obligation to send a gift. (Nor is there an obligation if there is a compelling reason.)
July 24th, 2006 at 5:35 pm
I don’t think there is ever an obligation to send a gift and that the daughter has no right to be upset (under any circumstances but especially) since she probably offended your parents knowingly.
Having said that, my own wedding was not really small (70 people, but my parents, who insisted on paying, also insisted on keeping it at that number), and I was only able to invite 5 of my friends and 5 of my husbands friends, since otherwise there was no space for my extended family (grrr: large number of cousins) or my parents’ friends. They had the ‘we are paying, so we can invite who we like’ attitude, and we really (literally!) couldn’t afford to argue.
If I could have uninvited four of my parents’ friends, I would have, as it would have meant four more of my own could have made it!
July 24th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
If you’re not invited to the wedding, then I think there’s no obligation to send a gift.
July 24th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
SG, that situation sucks, and I can totally understand your frustration — and I’d've also wanted to uninvite people. (This situation was totally different.)