Comments on: How do you deal with crazy relatives?

By: ceresina

ceresina — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 18:17:41 +0000

I don’t have a sibling, so I have no idea if this is doable, but what about coming right out the first time & saying what you really think? Would she stop asking you then? (Like I said, I don’t know if it’s doable, because I’m not sure if it’s just as impossible as not seeing her.)
There’s a book called the Dance of Anger (self-help! so helpful!), and it has the nice if fairly impractical point that anger requires two people; that is, if you respond fairly & respectfully to her anger (”I know you don’t want me to tell you you’re not suited for it, and I tried not to, but you did continue to ask.”), she may stop getting mad at you. I never knew how to do that, personally, but I can’t help mentioning it.
And I think it’s fair to resent her refusal to try to change it. Definitely understandable.

By: sheepish

sheepish — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 18:39:55 +0000

Is it worth telling her what you really think? I get that with all the badgering you just get so annoyed and tired of swallowing your real opinions. I’m not sure I see the point in telling her anything, since you’re clearly not going to change her behavior. Maybe that’s asking for you to be bigger than is humanly possible, given the barrage of questioning to which she subjects you. Seems pretty clear she just wants to pick a fight.

Huh. That’s a really tough situation. Your choice seems to be to fight or to not interact at all.

By: Shelly

Shelly — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 00:18:03 +0000

I think it’s fine to be annoyed and repelled even if she is sick and capable, and I don’t think it matters whether it’s fair or not. If she’s really that messed up, it doesn’t sound like she even realizes it which is, of course, the only way she’d endeavor to change it. I konw you said you cannot just stop seeing her, but could you avoid her, or when these conversations begin, and you know where it’s going, just leave the room? Put on ear phones? Refuse to discuss it?

I can’t believe that the “at least I didn’t try to kill myself” was a line that was uttered multiple times to which you ultimately had to give a comeback to end it.

By: Pronoia

Pronoia — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:02:25 +0000

This is kind of a side question, but what role do your parents play in this? Can they step in in any kind of meaningful way (not in your arguments, but in her illness)?

I don’t have any great advice. When my sister was very depressed and blaming it all on me, I tried to avoid all conversations that weren’t innocuous. There were a very few subjects on which we could have a lovely agreeable conversation, and I played those for all they were worth and tried to ignore/avoid all others. Not easy and it didn’t work all the time, but it worked enough of the time to keep me sane.

By: betty

betty — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:39:04 +0000

i struggle with a similar issue with my mother. she and i have a terrible relationship. i am always reminded of an article i read in high school that put forth the idea that familial love is not required. it’s useful, mind you, in the genetic, evolutionary sense, but it’s not really something that HAS to be. i’m not saying here that i don’t love my mother, because i think i do. but sometimes i question that and i feel ok about it. i definitely don’t like her. she’s not someone that i would EVER spend time with if we weren’t related. once i understood all this i tried to develop some coping stratgies to help me minimize the bad feelings when i am around her. it doesn’t always work, but things are much better. i know her triggers and i just don’t set them off. i know how she’s going to react to things i do, so i just don’t do them around her. because we don’t spend very much time together i don’t find this too stifling.

in the case of your sister i’d just like to say that you shouldn’t feel bad if you don’t get along with her. try to think of her as more like a sister in law - i think (though i’m not married) that if you had an abusive sister in law you’d really not like that person and minimize your interactions with her and not feel guilty about it. maybe you can do that with your sister (as others have suggested). you don’t HAVE to talk to her unless you are feeling up to it. if she calls just don’t answer unless you can shake off some of the crap she throws your way. i make sure i answer about 1/10 of my mother’s calls and only when i’m in a generous mood.

i hope this doesn’t sound preachy, i just feel sympathetic to people with difficult family relationsips and i hate to see them pile guilt on top of all the other hurt because this person is related to them.

By: wolfa

wolfa — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:42:58 +0000

Ceresina, no. If I start that way, she starts getting angry that I am “too realistic” or “not supportive”. (I was actually very supportive of the first mumbleteen ideas. Now, not so much.) Maybe I should start just acting as if she were talking about this being a dream like winning the lottery. I will try the “well, I tried not to say it”, too.

But what annoys me isn’t even really these conversations, it’s the general abuse, which I am not detailling, but maybe should. I do try to stay out, but I’m human, and not particularly patient at that.

I can try to avoid her, but family meals? Make it hard.

Shelly, yeah. It was actually something she said to me more than once. I think she was angry when I was depressed, like I had everything she wanted, so how dare I be?

My parents do what they can. I disagree with what they do, but realy, it’s their decision. They cannot force her to seek help (it’s been offered), and they cannot kick her out (she’s not functional enough to live on her own). I think they should not allow her use of certain things, and they are debating it. Not my choice, really.

By: ceresina

ceresina — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 16:03:05 +0000

Gotcha. I also didn’t understand that you live together; I wouldn’t have suggested those if I’d realized that.
But I love that she says you’re being “too realistic.” I didn’t know there was such a thing.

By: wolfa

wolfa — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 16:46:31 +0000

I don’t live with her. I do, however, have dinner with my family 2 times a week, on average.

Betty, I will be — one day — responsible for her. (Possibly shared with my other sister.) And in general, well, I do think I have a responsibility to her as my sister. At the same time, I don’t think my responsibility extends to the point where I need to get abused. Except how much of that is really her fault?

Ceresina, well, if I’m talking about what I’m going to do when I win one billion dollars, and you tell me it won’t work because what are the chances I win the lottery, you’re being too realistic. I keep thinking she’s talking about things like real, actual plans, because she talks about things like getting X kind of a job, or buying a cheap car. But maybe she’s not.

By: betty

betty — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 21:20:35 +0000

i see, so it’s not that easy to avoid her. i didn’t understand the situation completely. oh, i’m so sorry wolfa! i’m sure you’re doing the best you can under very crappy circumstances. if you keep thinking abuot this and analyzing the situation you may finally come upon a way to communicate to her that she is actually abusive and maybe she will start to change her ways. but those things are hard. *sigh*

By: parodie

parodie — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 18:59:30 +0000

If you’re able to, perhaps just taking a more “clinical” or social-worker-attitude would help? As in, you know she’s sick, so treat her like it.

e.g. if a “that’s nice” leads to more badgering, try to pick up the undercurrent: “It sounds like you want me to say something different. What are you hoping I’ll say?” etc.

If you keep the conversation focused on her (should be easy, no? seems to be what she wants) then you gain a few things:
a) It’s very pass-agressive niceness (how can she be mad at you when you’re so calm?)
b) It shields you by being emotionally distancing and by making the conversation about her and her problems/issues instead of your opinions
c) it will either work really well or be really annoying. I would count either as a win, but that would not be particularly grown-up of me. Siblings, however, do not always bring out the best in me. *sigh*

Bon courage.