Fake depression
I read books about depression — but past tense, now. The last one I read was The Noonday Demon, on Dr. B’s recommendation. And it was very good, I’ve no argument with the book.
My argument is with me — when I read these books, I say, oh, oh I’m not really depressed, not like the people who cannot get out of bed for weeks on end. I’m just stupid or lazy or whatever it is, but no, it cannot be actual depression, it’s so much less serious than what anyone else describes. I mean, I’m always functional. (And who could ever aspire to more than functional, right?) And part of me knows this is just another symptom, and a much larger part of me thinks that I am being realistic here, that it is just me pretending something for reasons I can’t quite explain, that I’m crazy, but not in the actual problem way, in the “I’m a bad person” sense.
Sometimes I’m really not sure. It’s normal, of course: I’m not a doctor, how could I really know what diagnosis it is, it’s not a perfect science. So I don’t know, and then things come and go, I feel better for a while or worse for a while when everything is slow, inching through a river of mud against the current. And then I feel better again, and I can’t exactly remember what it’s like in the other state. But I know I am never quite at the level of unable to get off the floor (this is part because if I were then I would be found out, and where would my obsessive secrecy be then?). And those are the stories that are Real Depression.
Are there histories of depression written by women, about women? Other than Prozac Nation and Girl, Interrupted.
I don’t know what I want to know here. Do I want to be told it’s all in my head? (It is, obviously, in either sense.) I sometimes even wonder if this isn’t secretly what I want, because if I didn’t, then — well, then I don’t know. Which is the problem all over again: I don’t know what is true and what isn’t.
October 10th, 2006 at 12:41 am
you know, i have a friend who might know that answer to your question about women and depression. i’ll ask her and get back to you. what i can say from my own experience is that a) when i was first diagnosed with a major depressive episode i was functional too. i learned that you can have “dpression” but have it manifest itself in ways other than constant tears and lethargy. i never cried once when i was depressed. b) i learned that later on i got even worse and was non functional but at the time i didn’t realize that. i thought that things could be better but that overall they weren’t that bad. and in retrospect - they were bad.
all this is to say that it’s just hard to know. whose word are you going to take for when you’re ‘depressed’ and when you’re not?
i think you hit the nail on the head - the uncertainty is a huge part of depression (at least for me). i just felt like i was leading two lives - one in the ‘real world’ where the shit i was worried about was not really that big of a deal and then my other life where that stuff was all there was. the other world is so powerful that it’s hard to understand how it’s not really real. in fact, i actually think it is real to the person who is feeling it, it’s just that there are two lenses through which to view everything and when youre depressed the shit-brown ones are sort of permanently stuck to your face.
i’m sorry you’re going through whatever you’re going through. the worst part of depression is the lonliness - i hope you sometimes have people to talk to or can find comfort in your blog. you can always email me or IM if you want (gchat rocks!) - i have no job so you won’t even be bothering me!
October 10th, 2006 at 12:44 am
dude, what happened to the “preview comment” button? i like to check and make sure i didn’t write soimething idotic like “dpression”. maybe there never was one?
October 10th, 2006 at 9:06 am
Good question about whether there are other narratives of depression by women. I’ll put it to the pixies and see if anyone can think of any others.
I guess my question would be what purpose a diagnosis of depression would serve for you. You feel the way you feel no matter what it’s called, but would you feel more deserving of help and support if you had that diagnosis? (I hope that’s not read as a criticism, by the way — it seems perfectly logical to me that a diagnosis would make the seeking of care easier and more acceptable.) My point is mostly that if you’re in a position to wonder if you’re suffering from depression, you’re probably in a place that deserves some help either way.
Also, you’re worth it.
October 10th, 2006 at 9:29 am
What PS said.
But I know exactly what you mean - I was always functional, always able to go to class, always functional in class (I won’t claim I was brilliant, but then, I’m not at the best of times!). I did have a couple of crying jags, but only alone in the privacy of my own home, so that still counts as functional, right? I don’t think I would have quite figured out that it was depression if I hadn’t seen people about anxiety and had them tell me, You know what? I think you’re depressed. Oh. Guess so. (And I still feel like a depression-faker; I was never strictly suicidal, and I always got out of bed. The fact that I didn’t want to AT ALL, EVER - that’s not “real” depression, right?)
FWIW, the diagnosis was helpful to me for being able to separate what I was feeling from the “real” me (plus, it got me on antidepressants, which have helped me, though I know they don’t help you).
I’d love to know of more books by/about women and depression, too. The only ones I know of are of the cheery self-help genre.
October 10th, 2006 at 11:47 am
Oh, yeah. Functional? I must not be depressed! I must just be a bad person who doesn’t have the x y or z good quality that everyone else has to make them such good people. Oo! Oo! And there’s the *really* good one, where I tell myself… well, I won’t tell you, you don’t need anymore ammunition, I’m sure.
I *hate* depression.
October 10th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
I hope you don’t mind me posting a reply. I found your blog thru Phantom’s a few weeks ago. I had read some of your posts before like, “How do you deal with crazy relatives?” and “In which my better nature vies with my normal nature” and I thought, ‘poor one. your family sounds a lot like mine.’
I was told some depressions are situational. Anti-depressants do not TOUCH that. I know from experience. Alot of people don’t understand it, and will definitely argue against blaming others for how we feel or function. BUT, My sister was tres abusive. Jealous. Attacking. Mean as hell. I say she “was” because I cut off that relationship 2 years ago after one of her attacks. I have not seen or talked to her since. I also had a best friend (a sad reflection on me) that was my sister reincarnate. Cut off that relationship too. I kept my parents :0) but, OY!, they have always always made (and make) us feel “less than” everyone else. And then there’s the in-laws with all their dysfunction and competition and backstabbing… I didn’t disappear from my parents and in-laws, but I did realize I needed to EXPECT unfair actions from them, or a snide remark out of the blue - so I wouldn’t be surprised and super hurt when it happened. EXPECTING to be hurt helped me put up a wall and “detach”, and not be AS hurt.
Not all the relationships in my life were negative - but some of the most important ones were, and those were really, really beating me down.
What I’m trying to say is, maybe it isn’t YOU. I went through 2 years of depression. Depression so bad it was a mental challenge to load the dishwasher, answer the phone, meet a friend for lunch…even sorting a basket of clean socks into pairs sent me into a panic. But after I got rid of a few negative relationships and “detached” from all the negative crap people were weighing me down with, I’ve been SO much better.
I don’t think we realize how VERY much other people’s jealousy or verbal abuse truly does beat us down and weigh on us. I wanted to succeed in my career choice, but in the back of my mind I knew my sister would be raving jealous, completely abusive and attacking over any success. And I knew my best friend would be rattlesnake meant to me if I accomplished something she didn’t. I knew my parents wouldn’t give me credit for hard work or brilliance - they’d say I was lucky or got a break. So, subconsciously, I was like “why try?” . And NOT trying to do what you’re meant to do and love to do will definitely depress you…cuz what’s the point of getting out of bed every day, getting dressed, meeting friends, sorting socks…if you’re not LIVING?
It isn’t whining. It isn’t paranoia. It isn’t “poor me” syndrome. It isn’t laziness. It’s that sometimes we need to push back the “mean people” and fill their places in our everyday life with “supportive, loving & kind people.”
I hope this long comment doesn’t offend you. I truly just want to say “you.are.not.crazy.” and I hope you believe it with all your heart.
October 10th, 2006 at 6:43 pm
I may have too carelessly thrown the word around in the past, but I never seriously questioned it until I heard you do so a few years ago. I simply thought, I am sad; I am unhappy; I feel desperate; I feel alone, blah blah blah, and this, to me, translated to depression. Anti-depressants didn’t work for me either and you know all about my history anyway, but my point is, if you question it on any level, as PS said, it’s indicative of some need.
For me, I didn’t particularly care whether someone diagnosed me or not. I just wanted help in some form. Perhaps it’s the absence of the avenue there that is prompting you to question the importance/relevance of a diagnosis.
I certainly understand the confusion about what the state is when not in it. That is actually one valuable aspect of writing about it because although painful later, it’s sometimes difficult to relate to once the state subsides and I’m not sure I’d remember to severity later.
Interseting quetsion about the books. I’d be interested to see what the nets net.
October 10th, 2006 at 6:43 pm
PS unlike Betty, I don’t preview my comments (;0) so apologies for the typos and laziness. ;)
October 10th, 2006 at 10:59 pm
Also, I think your header is a demonstration of how depressed you may be. I mean. It’s obvious. It always has been. I don’t get the whole problem with identifying it.
October 11th, 2006 at 12:22 am
I’m asking many of these exact same questions myself. I’ve got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow to decide whether I should be diagnosed as depressed and if so whether I should be taking anti-depressants. I don’t know what I want the results to be. I imagine that if I decide what I want, I can decide how to shape the conversation to get that result.
I’ve been perfectly functional whenever I need to be. More than functional, in fact–I can still get lots of enjoyment and satisfaction out of teaching, and I’m still acting in a comedic play and being silly and laughing with fellow cast members. But as soon as I’m alone, I’m completely unfocused, can’t get any work done, spend a lot of time sitting around feeling sad and hopeless. Is that depression? Or is that just being sad? [shrugs]
October 11th, 2006 at 1:57 pm
I would be curious to see whether there are any books on depression from a female perspective. There is the one by Brooke Shields, but it is particular to post-partum depression.
I’ve had two major depressions in five years, both of which included periods of non-functionality. I feel like it is always over my shoulder.
I’m actually at the same place you are right now. I ask myself every day - is it back??? But like Scrivener, I do my public stuff and put on a good face, then sit for hours in front of my computer when I’m supposed to be writing and being creative.
And the migraines. I can’t find anything to back it up, but my gut feeling is that the depression and the migraines are related.
I hope you make your way through this time in the mud soon (you are so right - depression is like running in mud, upstream).
October 13th, 2006 at 8:14 am
Migraines are often related to depression (sometimes anti-depressants clear them up). I think some people, when they really have to, can work despite depression - even severe depression.
There are some good books out there, and i will try to make a list this weekend. I’ve yet to find any that really capture for me my own experiences - but then I kind of think that depression doesn’t make for the best memoirs. That is, bipolar mmakes for far more interesting stories. I mean who wants to hear about me hunkering down for the weekend and avoiding people and avoiding things that may depress me further when they can read about someone in a manic state getting drunk and having tons of sex!