a wolf angel is not a good angel

Lately I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my sister — the middle one, the crazy one. When we were little, we were great friends, or as great as you can be with our age difference. Did it start changing when I became a real teenager? Did it start when she started to lose it, so slowly no one quite understood, at around 10 or 12? Does it matter?

For years it was ok, in a way; my friends had no siblings, or had terrible relationships with their siblings, and it seemed ok, normal. Sibling rivalry! Whatever! It was in books and movies and tv were about friends, not sisters. And now suddenly all my friends have good relationships with their siblings, travel together, socialise together, are friends. I see my mother and my aunt. I know my father talks to his siblings regularly, too. And here I am, with my sister who hangs up if I pick up the phone when she calls, who turns her face away when we are in the same room, who . . . well, it’s pointless to list the litany of things my sister does to hurt me. Or that hurt me: I am not entirely sure whether they are done deliberately to cause pain or if it’s just a nice side benefit for her.

I have another sister, and we get along well, but she’s fifteen years younger than me instead of four and a half, and that’s a real difference.

So maybe she hates me or resents me or is jealous. I don’t know; she doesn’t know, either, I don’t think. Even if she does know, it doesn’t matter, because she doesn’t intend to do anything about it. Oh, yes, there are more issues than just her being nasty to me (and everyone! I’m not special), she’s altogether insane and incapable of living in the real world, her cruelty to her family is part and parcel of the whole thing but probably not the worst for her. But those don’t impact me, now, though in time I will have to help support her.

What I’ve realised lately is that I do not mind, quite so much, the abuse. Not that I love it, because it’s unpleasant, it’s abuse. What I mind is the lack of relationship. And I think this is part of why I will never cut her off entirely: I keep hoping she will decide she wants to be part of a family. Wants me to be part of hers.

This weekend I watched ‘Enchanted’. There are a lot of very reasonable criticisms to be made of this film, none of which I am likely to make, because I really liked it. If you have seen it and would like to be critical, fine, but (1) it’s not a parody or a satire, so don’t complain about how it didn’t parody earlier Disney movies in this scene or that and (2) it’s a fairy tale which, for the purposes of the show, had to have some kind of happily ever after. I loved the 2-d animation, I loved the homages to older Disney shows, I loved the huge song and dance numbers (and am only slightly annoyed that they took out one with the actor who had played Elphaba: don’t hire Broadway people for musicals and then cut their songs), I thought it was sweet and cute, and if they do add in the missing musical number, I will likely end up buying the dvd then.

Also my cat is missing again (since either Sat or Sun, I do not remember), and I’m feeling slightly neurotic about it, because she hasn’t returned even in bad weather. (As a general rule she doesn’t, but I feel that she should.)

I am feeling much healthier now, which is very nice. From a baseline of healthy, I feel terrible; from a baseline of how terrible I felt Tuesday, I feel like I could spend the night dancing. Well, except that I’m way too tired and I don’t like dancing.

It’s snowing here proper, snow that stays and doesn’t melt away, and it’s new and it’s white and it’s no longer sleeting, so I am briefly pleased at how pretty it all is, especially with the sun and the barely below freezing temperatures. (Also pleased at: new hat and gloves and fleecy shawl.)

Today I: slept. I managed to keep a consistent fever all day, despite all sorts of pills. I am no longer freezing all the time, which is nice; instead, my head hurts and my throat hurts. But I took painkillers and had ice cream and I will sleep again in a moment and hopefully the bugs will be destroyed by the power of sleep sleep sleep. I can barely stay awake for 10 minutes at a time. I hate being sick.

I have a few things on my mind, but I’m not sure how to talk about them. I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing about personal things (I never have been in the habit of talking about them, and I am continuing to be not talking about things), and I feel awkward trying to get back to it. (Also I have no idea if anyone is reading this anymore — I am more or less reading blogs, when bloglines deigns to let me know they’re updated, but I am heavy on the less commenting, and that tends to mean heavy on the less getting comments. I don’t check stats, so.)

I am not always sure I want to get back into the habit of writing highly personal stuff on the internet, either. I’m not sure if I don’t. I believe that writing things out is good for me, better than avoidance. But avoidance is easier, and the internet is public and permanent, at least for the near future.

Look, it’s my kittens, finally sleeping near each other again.

Sam honestly is at least three times Tilda’s size (and more than 3 times my little anorexic baby’s weight).

Tonight’s Heroes ended with “only 3 episodes left” which is true only if they’re planning on wrapping the season up this month, strike or no strike. Not that it seems all that hopeful, the no strike possibility, but I keep imagining that maybe the studios will come to their senses.

It was very bizarre, having something to do with getting married in India on a class trip with my high school class (and boys). I don’t remember the details, which is good, because it was also very upsetting.

On the plus side, I remember liking my wedding dress.

I figure I’ll play with this meme now that everyone else has done it so no one will comment here. Hurray, I cheat to win!

First five people to comment here get something in the mail from me. You need to post this offer on your own blog. I got here via pronoia.

Fair warning to Americans: if I have a trip planned there in December — not sure yet — I might wait to send it there, because Canadian postage is expensive, even before I calculate how much cheaper your dollar is. (I am not sure how long this will last, but I enjoy every single moment.)

Update: plam, Michelle, Cougar, you’re all welcome to play along. With Brina and Lucy, that makes 5 and I can feel like I was honest about this.