a wolf angel is not a good angel

You know those days that start out badly and just keep getting worse? I woke up this morning knowing I shouldn’t get out of bed, and I was right.

Nothing majorly bad happened, just a huge list of fucking irritating shit, including forgetting my bus pass and having to reinstall Office several times and still having it not work right. I watched last night’s House, though, which though a little farfetched medically was funny again and surprised me with the twist at the end, so I am in a reasonably good mood to go to sleep. Then tomorrow will be better, because I will complain to someone if it is *worse*.

Moon posts will start tomorrow. I wanted to start them on something a little less irritated.

I particularly hate when I spill coffee all over myself just after I left the house — but just far enough away that it’s not worth it to go home and change. I think I am incapable of drinking coffee without pouring it onto my shirt and pants (or skirt, on less windy days).

I also particularly hate when the ground is painfully slippery, so I walk very slowly (even worse than usual) terrified I will fall and break my legs. I have fallen in the past, and though I’ve gotten nasty bruises, I have never broken anything from slipping on the ice. But still, I am constantly paranoid about this. So I am in the cold and the wind even longer as I pick my way on the few ice-free sidewalk parts.

A quick hate shout-out to: people who congregate at the front of the bus, leaving lots of room at the back, and the bus drivers who let them do that and then drive by chilled and hopeful people waiting at bus stops despite there being room in the bus; people who stop on the wrong side of the escalator, especially if they were standing on the right side for half the stairs, then moved over to block everyone for the second half; people who drive into an obviously blocked intersection so they can be stuck there during the red light, especially those who do it over a crosswalk; people who forget to reset their alarm clocks so they cannot sleep in even though they carefully scheduled it so they could. I’m tired again today and I have only myself to blame.

It is somehow Creme Egg (and Caramilk Egg) time. I have the sneaking suspicion that the egg season has been slowly growing (though the end date cutoff seems unchanged at Easter), but I have no resentment about how the season is getting longer and longer, now it starts before Valentine’s Day — what’s next, red and green eggs for Christmas? No, I think: hurray! Overly sweet candy for an extra month!

I got my period this week, which explains why I snapped at people Tues and Wed. But it didn’t come with its usual “wow, I think I should kill myself” introduction (or at least, not a serious one — I can’t believe I can rank the levels of premenstrual suicidal ideation), so I didn’t expect it, even though it’s exactly on schedule.

In other irritable person news, I overheard some woman yelling at someone on the phone. Apparently the person (guy, I think) had ditched her without notice, and she explained that it was ok if he called to let her know beforehand (I would agree, for reasonable amounts of beforehand, where reasonable is not “well, I tried to call you 45 minutes before but you didn’t pick up your cell”), but no one could screw her over twice! She’d forgive him this time, but no one screws her over twice! It’s ok if you have to cancel, but don’t screw her over, because no one does that twice!

She was wrong, though. This guy could totally make plans with her and blow her off, screwing her over twice. He wouldn’t, one presumes, have a chance to do it three times.

I am now down to a terrible even for me cough. It’s only occasional, but several times a day. This continues to suck. I was up all night almost last night because I kept coughing myself awake. The internet, however, suggests that a good cough suppressant is dark chocolate, and I am willing to give it a shot. Today I had my first real meal since Monday, and Monday was the first meal I’d had since Friday. (I’ve been big on saltines.) It was very exciting.

I’ve got stuff I need to do really this weekend, so I’d better be entirely better soon. Otherwise I’ll keep complaining. Not that I won’t keep complaining anyhow, but I could use a new topic. (One that isn’t on my daily-growing unbloggable list. This secrecy thing is getting worse, not better. Maybe I should write about that from my sickbed.)

This stupid bug is dragging on forever. I have no idea what the hell is wrong. I am all stuffed up and coughing, and also nauseated. This means I am taking approximately 6 half-baths a day. I’m sticking to eating only saltines and drinking water and apple juice. So far this hasn’t helped, but it hasn’t hurt, I don’t think. Anyhow I don’t actually want anything else. Except perhaps to be able to sleep until I am all better, instead of tossing and turning half the night (whence half my baths).

Oddly, the cat was already in the bathroom, quite annoyed when I turned on the taps today. She just sat there and stared. I don’t normally mind when she’s in the bathroom with me, but usually she naps on the mat, not glares at me with an evil eye.

This is really unpleasant.

My cold has morphed into a flu, or a cold-plus-high-fever. It is unsurprisingly quite unpleasant. My ears hurt. I am always out of breath, except for a very few moments if I’m in a steamy room. (I know, no evidence etc, but I do feel better when I do it, and since sitting in a bathtub doesn’t have many risky side effects, other than the not unlikely chance of my falling asleep in the bath — I do always wake up before I drown, so far — I go for it, damn the research.)

I did some of what I had to get done today, but I think that my brain is too addled to do much more of it. Someone burnt something on the stove, or melted it, and the smell of the smoke made me (even more) ill. I’m not sure what it was, but I can still see a slight haze in the air which I am quite sure is not hallucinated.

I now have a cold and slept all day. I still can’t breathe, but I am way less tired than I have been lately, what with the many extra hours of sleep I got, finally getting me near caught up. We will see how this works out if I am awake all night (again), but I am vaguely hopeful. Especially if I can figure out the best pills to take so I can breathe overnight.

Part of the issue, I know, is that it’s too damn dry all the time. Another issue is that I do get sick all the time, yes.

I ended up watching ‘The Holiday’, which was a fine, ordinary chick flick. I watched Waitress the other day, and though it was very close to being very good, I had a few issues. I would have liked some context for why Nathan Fillion was cheating on his apparently very nice wife, I despised the fact that one of the friends found that hey, stalker boy really is a nice guy who she loves, and I am beyond bitter that I didn’t get any of those pie recipes.

Can’t breathe again. This is so much fun, really. I’d take the flu any day over a cold.

So my cat seems to be gone for good. I am very upset. Distraught would be a good word for it.

Appropriate responses to this post are all along the lines of “I’m very sorry”; inappropriate ones include “I’m sure she’ll come back”, “why didn’t you do [whatever]”, “have you considered trying [something else]”, “she’s only a cat”, and anything else that suggests that I am too upset, a bad person, a stupid person, or anything that suggests that I should be hopeful. (I admit: part of me is hoping that this active “lost cat” post is the magic thing that makes her return. But I also know that it won’t happen and she’s never coming back.)

Lately I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my sister — the middle one, the crazy one. When we were little, we were great friends, or as great as you can be with our age difference. Did it start changing when I became a real teenager? Did it start when she started to lose it, so slowly no one quite understood, at around 10 or 12? Does it matter?

For years it was ok, in a way; my friends had no siblings, or had terrible relationships with their siblings, and it seemed ok, normal. Sibling rivalry! Whatever! It was in books and movies and tv were about friends, not sisters. And now suddenly all my friends have good relationships with their siblings, travel together, socialise together, are friends. I see my mother and my aunt. I know my father talks to his siblings regularly, too. And here I am, with my sister who hangs up if I pick up the phone when she calls, who turns her face away when we are in the same room, who . . . well, it’s pointless to list the litany of things my sister does to hurt me. Or that hurt me: I am not entirely sure whether they are done deliberately to cause pain or if it’s just a nice side benefit for her.

I have another sister, and we get along well, but she’s fifteen years younger than me instead of four and a half, and that’s a real difference.

So maybe she hates me or resents me or is jealous. I don’t know; she doesn’t know, either, I don’t think. Even if she does know, it doesn’t matter, because she doesn’t intend to do anything about it. Oh, yes, there are more issues than just her being nasty to me (and everyone! I’m not special), she’s altogether insane and incapable of living in the real world, her cruelty to her family is part and parcel of the whole thing but probably not the worst for her. But those don’t impact me, now, though in time I will have to help support her.

What I’ve realised lately is that I do not mind, quite so much, the abuse. Not that I love it, because it’s unpleasant, it’s abuse. What I mind is the lack of relationship. And I think this is part of why I will never cut her off entirely: I keep hoping she will decide she wants to be part of a family. Wants me to be part of hers.

Today I: slept. I managed to keep a consistent fever all day, despite all sorts of pills. I am no longer freezing all the time, which is nice; instead, my head hurts and my throat hurts. But I took painkillers and had ice cream and I will sleep again in a moment and hopefully the bugs will be destroyed by the power of sleep sleep sleep. I can barely stay awake for 10 minutes at a time. I hate being sick.