a wolf angel is not a good angel

All in all, it’s good; all in all, I’ve been having fun.

But I cannot, despite everything, turn off the nights. I tried, and I
think at least a bit I succeeded. I think at least I hid my crying –
dry sobs, really, quiet — until tonight. That counts, right? I am a
terrible guest.

I am rereading ‘Art & Lies’. I am rereading it to try to remind
myself that I need to forgive myself. Accept. Move on. Not waste time
crying over what has happened. Not waste my life mired in misery.

Rather like Persephone, I sometimes feel: I spend half my time in the
dark, down deep. I am fine until the sun sets. Winter gets long.

The days, though: they can be good. I am trying. It is sometimes more
than I can do.

I do not have very much to say right now. (This usually precedes me saying a lot, I know.)

I am tired and sad, and finding it very hard to cope with mortgages and other such things. I am making it all worse by avoiding it, of course. It is harder still since I am not home.

I do not really want to talk about any of this. Or maybe I do. I do not know what I want.

I have my computer now. The day, true, is almost over, but still: a
computer! I can now read up on all the stuff I need to learn about.
And whatever.

I feel totally, totally overwhelmed.

I saw one of my favourite billboards again:

Say no to drugs
But yes to rugs

Arrive at the airport at around 9.30 for my 11.00 flight. It’s
delayed to 12.30. I wait to get a new boarding pass. By the time I get
to the front of the line, the flight is delayed until 12.50. This is
not a promising sign, though as it turns out, the flight doesn’t get
delayed any further.

I waltz through customs: there is no line at all, and once the customs
agent realises I went through for the same flight yesterday, he asks
me no questions. This is the only good thing which happens to me all
day, by the way.

I go through security. I do not set off the metal detector, because I
am wearing no metal. (I am wearing, in fact, the same clothes as
yesterday, which also did not set off the metal detector.) Does this
sound like a good thing? No. Since I do not set off the metal
detector, she wands me. It doesn’t beep. This is because, as I have
mentioned, I am not wearing any metal. She asks me to sit down and
wands me again, carefully. No beep. I am not wearing any metal. She
gives me a patdown, where she finds nothing. The reason is perhaps
clear by now.

Then she goes through everything I have brought with me in all my
bags, piece by piece. She finds nothing and lets me go. I am unclear
what got me subject to this search, but I am bitter nonetheless.

I wait around at the gate, reading the newspaper. I go to buy a coffee
and a scone. I use my infallible coffee-size order: I want the middle
one. We have a cute little discussion about coffee sizes. When I get
my drink, I notice that in fact I got the wrong one: Second Cup has
regular, large, extra-large, and I got regular instead of large. I am
annoyed, not least because my infallible order is in fact fallible.

I go back to the gate to eat my scone, which is a creepy dusty rose
colour, and also just gross. I elect not to eat my scone. I drink my
coffee drink, which is watery and gross. I suppose it is just as well
that I didn’t get the size I wanted.

The flight is fine, and I sleep the whole way. When we land, the
flight attendant is whiny (Keep your seatbelts on! Please!) and
mutters not exactly under his breath that he is not a babysitter. As
we leave, he tells us to remember we can make a difference.

What happens when I try to escape out an apostrophe? Let’s find out!

Update: it works when I escape the apostrophe. I am never going to remember to do this, though. I wonder if it’s fixable.

with, i think, using apostrophes. not good: i use them a lot.